after all these years*

I know it’s been a minute since I’ve posted but I’ve just been super busy, what, with being a full-time nurse to my beloved who has broken her metatarsal bone (foot), being naughty, and landing an RA position on my floor here at the dorms.

My new position as 4th floor RA has inspired this post. This morning, before check-ins for the new freshman started, I updated my facebook status with this:  checking in bright-eyed, clueless, malleable freshman 9:00-7fucking30 at night.

When I signed on again during our hour break, I saw that my girlfriend had posted this in response to my status: I once checked out a bright-eyed, clueless, malleable freshman in Room 81.

Though the context of this comment is, um, sexual, it really changed my perspective on these incoming freshman. During my sophomore year, I was on a high horse, acting like the big man on campus, ignoring the freshman and rolling my eyes at their wide-eyed wonder. But this year, as I started to fall back into that same arrogant attitude, there my boo was to whip me back into shape – though I doubt that’s what she even meant to do.

Anyway, her comment gave me some perspective. Yeah I came into Manhattan with fear, with giddy, nerdy excitement, with expectation and willingness to explore the unknown, but I also came here a totally different person than I am today. I entered my freshman year as a girl who cared about how men viewed her. I came as a girl who was afraid to examine her nagging and alarming sexual attractions to women. I came as a person who thought she would never make a friend, never have a group of friends that  she could turn to and trust and tell her secrets to. I came as a person who had no fountain of creative inspiration. I came as a person who didn’t care about equality (sexual or gender), didn’t care about pleasing myself, didn’t care about ever being in a relationship ever again. 

But as I enter my junior year, I am a completely changed person.

I now realize the invaluable spirit of a woman who cares not what a man thinks of her, but how she views and cares about herself. I am now a girl who befriended and nurtured her same-sex attractions, really just dove right into it (ha, hahaha…) blindly and unabashedly. And I found an amazing group of girls to cling to, girls who I know I will forever be involved with, girls who love and accept and listen and forgive. I am now a person who, through finding love, experiencing death and loss, through cutting people out of her life, and through walking a path of independence has now birthed this amazing vat of inspiration and creativity. I can write stories now that I am proud of, that I can connect to and that I can use to exorcise my demons and praise my angels.  And lastly, I am a person who now values equality, who puts herself first, and who has fallen into an amazing relationship with a beautiful woman, totally unexpected, but completely welcomed. I have changed.

Coming into my freshman year I thought I knew everything.  I didn’t. I still don’t. But I know a hell of a lot more than I did. And I welcome the learning. In copious amounts. Bring it!

*for extra CHEESE, read the post while listening to the beautiful daniel johns of silverchair sing:

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~ by angiesyounglover on August 23, 2009.

2 Responses to “after all these years*”

  1. Good for you! I hope you share all that hard-won wisdom and life perspective with the first-year student newbies. Have a great semester!

    xo
    SF

  2. Isn’t it amazing how much just a year or two of college can change you so dramatically? I look at the person I was my first day and the person I became, and it just blows my mind. I went from being a naive, conservative twit to someone much more worldly and aware.

    And I agree with sublimefemme–share that wisdom with these newbies. There might just be another young girl like you who needs that good influence to help her find herself.

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