inside my mind

I’m walking all the way down to the end of the platform because when the train comes, there are less people on the end cars and I want a seat today.

The train is here. I step onto the train. No seats. I stand up against the wall. There are so many men sitting down. Honestly, they don’t need to be sitting. One of them should offer up a seat.

A man offers me my seat. (Can he hear me?) It’s one of those seats that fold up in case a wheelchair should need to pull up into the corner. When he offers me the seat, he slides over and says, “Would you like to sit?” But he doesn’t get all the way up, just slides over…Does that mean he wants me to squish into that little space or would he give the entire foot? Not wanting to ask if he could better articulate the offer on the table, and not wanting to risk being squished, I decline.

“Are you sure?” he asks.
“Yes, yes, I’m sure.”

Did I smile when I said that? I wish I had said something like I’ve been sitting all day, it feels good to stand! even though that’s 100% bull shit. I mean, I have been sitting all day, but I like sitting. I’m lazy. I should have smiled. Did I say thank you? I should have said thank you. Is it too late to say, Thank you, I’ve just been sitting all day so it feels good to stand? It’s too late, right?

I like when men offer their seats to women. But I really hate men. I don’t understand this contradiction. I like when men offer their seats to women because it shows that all men aren’t shit. But if a man gives his seat to a lady doesn’t that mean that men think that women need the help, need their help? No. Fuck that. I don’t need your seat.

But I really want your seat.

I see an old man all the way at the other end of the train looking at me. Is he looking at me? He’s squinting so I can’t really tell. Why is he looking at me? Is it because of my Def Leppard shirt? Does he think I’m too young to appreciate Def Leppard? No, he probably doesn’t even know who they are. Jungle music, he probably thinks. Is he looking at me because I am a woman standing amongst a bunch of seated men, and in his day this would be a travesty? I love you, old man, though I don’t know you. You look like you need a hug. Stop looking at me. I don’t need your seat.

A woman comes onto the train carrying a bunch of bags. The man that offered me my seat does not offer it to her. Why? Why did he offer it to me and not her? I am only carrying one bag. Is it because she has short hair and I have long hair? Is it because I have bigger boobs than her? Is it because he likes Def Leppard? I decide that I hate this man. You can’t just offer up your seat to one person and not the other. Equal opportunity sexism! Stick to your guns, dammit.

A man gets up and exits the train. A free seat! First impluse is to take it. No. Can’t do that. If the guy that offered me my seat sees me take this seat he will wonder why I took that seat and not his. He will think I took that guy’s seat because that guy is white and that I declined his seat because he is black. I don’t want to be thought of as a racist. I stand.

A tiny bead-like piece of candy rolls down the train and hits my shoe and then rolls back the other way. How funny. Could you imagine if humans could roll like that? If that was how they got from point A to point B, by rolling? Oo, and if we were sugar-coated, too? I would lick myself all day.

Man, my legs really are bothering me. They are always acting up, especially when I try to go to bed. They always feel like they need to be strethced out or cracked or ripped out of their sockets. Why didn’t I take that man’s offer in the first place? There are so many free seats now! But I can’t just take them, that dude will think I’m racist. I’m the only one standing. How silly is that? So stupid and stubborn that I can’t just sit. Fuck him! Fuck the man! He doesn’t know me. I don’t owe him anything.

I look at him. His eyes are closed. Is he sleeping? Maybe if he is sleeping then I can move down the train car to another spot and when he wakes up he will think that I got off or something. No, can’t do that. Oh this is ridiculous! I need to sit because I need to get reading on Huckleberry Finn because I have to have it finished by Monday. This is no longer about you anymore, man. This is between me and Huck.

Oh, is it my stop already? Damn. Whatever.

Did I lock my door before I left this morning?

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~ by angiesyounglover on July 15, 2009.

5 Responses to “inside my mind”

  1. Nice writing! Of all your posts that I’ve read, this might be my favorite. The stream-of-consciousness style suits you.

    So you’re taking an English class this summer? What else are you reading?

    xo
    SF

    • thank you :)
      yes, i’m actually taking 4 english classes this summer – i finished the first two and now i’m on to the next set. for the class that i’m reading huck finn, we are also reading “maggie: girl of the streets,” “house of mirth,” and uhhh some other stuff i can’t think of.

  2. You are just so little.

  3. This was wonderful! I agree with SF completely.

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