let’s clear up some misconceptions

1. The Dell Mini 9 does not suck

My little, tiny baby dell has arrived, and in all its infancy, I can honestly say, I like the little fucker. I received some comments suggesting that this probably wasn’t the best route, and I have to admit, I was a little worried that I would regret purchasing it. But when it arrived and I cut away the cardboard and clawed through the bubble wrap, the minute I locked eyes with my baby, I knew I would love it til the day it died (even if that day is a year from now since, you know, it’s dell and all). Yes, it’s super fucking tiny and getting used to a screen this small took awhile, but the portability of it is what I was looking for and you can bet your shit that I got just that. It’s super light and I can take it to and from school or my girlfriend’s house with no problems. My other dell (RIP) was like lugging around a fucking kangaroo with a little joey in its sack. I know, right? My only major problem is that the apostrophe button is not where the apostrophe button is on regular computers, and where, I shall add, IT SHOULD BE. My keyboard, I’m guessing for space issues, has the apostrophe down below the period button. WHAT THE FUCK? I did not become an expert typist on those mad cool virtual robot typing laboratory games (Did they have that at your schools? The little robot that hopped across a virtual home row on the computer, showing your hands where they should be?) just to find out that my deformed dell has placed it in a completely different REGION than where it should be.

But other than that, I love my baby dell. Shh, it’s time for its nap.

I apologize in advance...
I apologize in advance…

2. Tanning salons are not cool

A few of my friends have come up to me recently and asked me where the best tanning places are in the city to get a head start on their golden summer glows. I regret to say that they thought to ask me because last year I was all afuckingbout the tanning beds, the tanning lotions, and the cool radio you get to listen to while you are frying your fucking skin to a shriveled up breeding ground for melanoma. No, really. I was so obsessed. I went every day. One time, I stayed in too long and burnt my tits so bad that I couldn’t breathe because the prickly, stingy, itchy pain was unbearable. I spent the rest of the week with three cans of cold red bull in each bra cup because it was the only thing that remotely helped me fall asleep without anesthesia and a bottle of Jack. I mean seriously. Don’t do it . I don’t like to be paler than everyone that walks by me on the street in their white little J.Crew dresses and their exotic Brazilian skin, but I kind of like my life, and after watching an uncle just recently die of brain cancer that STARTED as melanoma, I am anti anti anti tanning, anti sun, anti anything stupid that will threaten your life with cancer.

And yes, I said all this to the friends that asked whether Beach Bum tanning was better than Hollywood tans. MOM MODE TAKEOVER in 10, 9, 8….

3. Fleet Week is not amazing

Being the only lesbian in my inner circle of close friends can really become annoying when your friends are drooling over the possibility of hooking up with a sailor visiting New York for Fleet Week. Here’s the deal, ladies, all the sailors are FUCKING DUMB. I’m not just voicing my opinion of the male race in general, I’m just saying that the sailors I ran into last year during Fleet Week must have taken on too much water or something because trying to talk to them was like trying to talk to my a pile of logs. NOTHING. Seriously, last year I was at a bar with my friends downtown and a bunch of sailors came in and of course all the girls were like GOO GOO GAGA, MEN IN UNIFORM, HELL YEAH, etc, etc, gag, die. One came over to my friend and I and he was like, “So, what are some good places around here to get a drink?” Well let’s see…We’re sitting at a bar. There’s an entire wall across from us adorned in heavy liquor and right over there…yeah, that girl serving drinks…she’s a bartender, so maybe, just maybe, you’re in the right place . Later on in the 3 minute conversation, the sailor proceeds to make a fist and push it into my friend’s head and said, “DOY!” What the fuck are you, Don Vito? For fuck’s sake.

So yeah, no sailors. Unless they’re hot women. Yes. Those are the rules.

The End.

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~ by angiesyounglover on May 25, 2009.

8 Responses to “let’s clear up some misconceptions”

  1. “I did not become an expert typist on those mad cool virtual robot typing laboratory games (Did they have that at your schools? The little robot that hopped across a virtual home row on the computer, showing your hands where they should be?)”

    I learned to type on a manual (that means NO electricity) typewriter. You wanna know how Mrs. Bryant kept us from peeking at the keys while we typed? She tape a piece of typing paper over the keyboard.

    • oh yeah! mrs. loehmann made us do that! she was a tough broad! and when she sneezed, the whole school heard it. remind me to an impression for you later, baby.

  2. Ha, my typing teacher put paper over our hands too! And I did learn on a computer, but it was one of those with only a black screen and amber colored letters. If I finished early, I could play the ancient Wheel of Fortune game on it, wherein I could win fabulous prizes like a LeMans. A LeMans! God, I’m old!

    And, uh, I maybe used to go to tanning salons too. I know! They’re terrible! But, I’ve stopped and I wear sunscreen and all that jazz. Sooner or later, I learn.

  3. @ BAngieB A manual typewriter? You must have had an uber old school teacher. Even I learned on an electric, and I’m way older than you I’m sure. Evidence? I wrote papers on a typewriter in college. And email didn’t exist. I rest my case.

    @ AYL So glad you’ve sworn off tanning beds. I use various bronzers and sunless tanning products all summer long. I’ve tried all the fancy, award-winning self-tanning lotions/gels/sprays but I swear the best is one most people have never heard of called Moisture Tan by Famous Dave. The color is really natural looking, it dries fast, and best of all it doesn’t have that horrible DHA smell that all the other fake tanners have. I swear it’s the holy grail of self-tanning. For added glow, I also like MAC’s Skinsheen Leg Spray.

    The Dell mini is adorable. Enjoy!

    xo
    SF

    • are you sure you’re older than my girlfriend? she’s a whole person who can drink older than me…and i’m one year away from legally being able to drink.
      wow, that was a nice little word problem there. i should write lesbian math word problems for a living!

      thanks for the bronzer tips. ive been using a bronzer on my face since i’ve sworn off eye makeup (a whole other story, there. maybe i’ll blog about it). it gives me that extra mmm when i’m feeling like a pale, dead face.

  4. Wow, that’s quite the age difference! Perhaps your girlfriend and I are closer chronologically than I had realized. Actually, though, the really amazing thing is how young you are!

    Swearing off eye makeup?! Even mascara and eyeliner? I’m *very* concerned….

    xo
    SF

    • hence the younglover part in my name :)

      yeah the eye makeup thing…i just became so dependent on it – couldn’t leave the house without edie sedgwick eyes – that i couldn’t look at myself in the mirror without it. so i was like, hmm, i need a break, lemme see if i can do it. the first week was FUCKING ROUGH. but i actually like it better without now. we’ll see how long it lasts. it’s been over a month now.

  5. SF: So, in college I typed papers on an electric typewriter. I was working on my art history paper when the space shuttle exploded, later that night the ribbon ran out and I had to wait until the next morning to go to Sears and get a new one. Nothing was open 24 hours anywhere in those days…the days before Target. Clearly we are both a lot older than AYL. Or, like you said, maybe she is just really young. And she looks SO much prettier without all that makeup. Our Skinny was very distressed about it, too.

    My sister used the Jergens tanner stuff when it first came out a few years ago and she really liked it.

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